| first update in a long ass time. |
[09 Jan 2006|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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HOODS - The King Is Dead |
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so whats news?
I've been kicking back for the most part, working a lot as usual. Same shitty job, cant seem to get myself out of it but I've more or less accepted the fact that its gonna suck and I'm gonna deal with it. Finally made it back to Romans the past 2 weeks after not being there for 7 months, theres a whole new breed of kids there I haven't seen before. I think it has a lot to do with it now being all ages, but theres like nu metal kids, and wannabes and shit showing up. I don't really care that much I guess, as long as they don't start getting in the way and fucking up shows its not an issue. I ditched the elitist hit and hate everyone who doesnt look like me because that makes me cooler than them thing a long time ago.
I GOT DROPKICK MURPHYS WITH MADBALL TICKETS
^thats enough to make a nun moist.
For those of you who don't know, I have a girlfriend now. Shes the shit, her names Stephanie. She really means a lot to me, and I've met some real nice kids because of her already. She went back to school today, and I'm gonna miss her a lot. She does come back in 2 weeks for her birthday, then not until spring break. I'm gonna be in FL in Febuary so I hope I get to see her then! We connect really well and it makes me really happy to be with someone I can relate to easily and talk to, its that type of relationship where shit just sort of comes naturally and feels right, there wasn't much trying or being scared or worried involved with it, and that made me happy.
Apart from all that? I got an IPOD, I'm gonna be getting a phone soon, my cars gonna be on the road shortly, and I'm gonna be gettin more tattoos. I guess its not a bad wrap, I'm gonna start keeping better track of my money and not blowing it.
oh yea, I'm 19 as of yesterday.
So thats where shit stands as of late.
THIS FRIDAY - A Loss For Words @ Romans
THEN
2/16/06
Romans
Remembering Never, Death Before Dishonor, Ramallah, HOODS
shits gonna be incredible. IDK whats happenin in between those dates, apart from death threat.
its chill. for those of you I havent talked to in a while, keep in touch!
stay up foooooollllllllsssss
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| some random things.... |
[12 Sep 2005|06:45pm] |
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Explosions In The Sky |
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so, I feel as though I should hang out with certain people I know more often. Theres plenty of people that are nothing more than acquiantances to me, and I feel as though I should know them better. So, if you're someone I know and we don't really hang out, lets do it. I can't promise it'll be the best time of your life, but why not? This probably makes me sound like I'm desperate for friends... but thats not really the case.
I love the friends I have, but I could use some more.
I need more people to watch fights with, wether you're into Pride Fighting, UFC,King Of the Cage, or boxing.... we should hang out and watch fights. I need to start watching boxing more often, like I used to.
Plenty of things that I took for granted are starting to mean more to me, if you know me you'll most likely start to understand that shortly.... I'm assuming most of you will...
Theres this girl, that I miss dearly, we don't talk as much as we used to, because I work too much. Keep your head up hun, you'll come out of this on top I promise <3
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| long time with no update. |
[01 Sep 2005|02:52am] |
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Explosions in The Sky |
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so, I haven't updated this thing in a very very long time. I really haven't been up to a whole lot, primarily just working and shows when I have the cash and the time. More or less, its been the same shit different day. I've decided I'm going to start boxing, soon, because if I don't now than I'm never going to. The weather has been amazing lately, well... for me anyway. It has been rainging heavily lately, I miss the rain immensely. I think the weather may be part of the reason I adore the autumn as much as I do. I feel like most of this summer has flown by, without much really happening. I usually have numerous memories of the summer to account for and unfortunately this year, I don't really... at all. I suppose thats part of growing up though, sacrificing the nights of nothing to do that meant the most to you, simply to become part of the working world and ultimately move yourself closer to.... adulthood. Although I'm dreading the idea of ending up an "adult" with responsibilities, and the whole nine yards I'm somewhat looking forward to the idea of ending up independent, eventually. I feel like, in a way I'm somewhat convicted to the monotany of life in the United States, whereas day by day its the same thing, no matter how hard you try and put a spin on it. I've always vowed to not let myself get caught up in the rat race of our society and likewise, I'm doing my best to stay true to my convictions, and the ways I've decided my life is going to be... it just isn't as easy as it used to be.
I miss many things, people, places, ideas, songs, stories... all of it. I feel like I've grown detached from where I was, who I was, who I knew. Things have been happening with people I used to know so well, and I don't find out about them until later on. I feel as though a large group of the people I cared most about has switched pages, and a lot of the people I used to wonder about are now nothing more than past friends to me. I feel like many of the people I knew, are now nothing more than akward glances, and strange meetings of "hey, how've you been"s that are thrown at one another inside stores, both of us waiting for the time this situation can break and we can go our seperate ways, or hit on a spot of interest between us, maybe a memory of the way things were we can laugh about... usually its just odd... and short silence and we break off into our own paths. Paths I suppose were predetermined even when we were close as blood, by who we were. I was well aware most of the people I was friends with I wasn't going to remain friends with, I just suppose I never thought it'd be this way. Many, and when I say many I mean most of my friends are going to be heading off to schools soon, real soon. I feel like I should hang out with them, and say goodbye. I know I should, the only thing is I'm not sure I can. I mean, I love them all dearly dont get me wrong but situationally, none of it works anymore.I think inside, I hate a lot more than I tell myself I do. I hate little things about people, but at the same time I love little things about people. Does that balance itself out? I guess I like to believe it does but I'm not entirely sure. Its odd seeing groups of friends that met eachother because both of them knew me, that I've since detached myself from but they have still remained. I suppose its a good feeling, in a way. Knowing that I have attributed to creating long lasting friendships. Although its half saddening knowing that the friendships, and relationships can simply go on without one being involved in them, it makes you think how much you really meant to most of the people you know, or knew. I guess its somewhat vain to believe that you're going to have a long lasting impact on every single person you've ever known, but in a way its human nature to at least expect that.... or want that. I guess its all sort of my fault, I distanced myself from a lot of my friends due to the beliefs I decided to adopt, which contrasted with their own. It was never a situation where things got grimey, or rough due to the contrasting beliefs but after a while it just became tense. As most of you who know me most likely understand, what I'm referring to is drugs. Almost everyone I was once extremely close with got themselves involved with some form of substance. Which as you know, conflicted directly with my beliefs. There was never a run in, or a quarrel because of the substance abuse going on, but it made things tense.... and also sometimes lonely. Thats the way highschool goes though, you lose old friends and make new ones.... its just the way the clock ticks, the cookie crumbles, whatever the hell you want to call it.
Now? I'm in decent shape, I have a full time job I'm working 40 hours a week at. I get a paycheck, my heads on straight, my spirits are at a normal level if not considered high on some days. I have friends, that are more like blood to me. I have ones I love and care about. I can't complain about a whole lot I suppose... Thats all I have to offer you.
So those of you who have actually taken the time to read this unreasonably long entry, thank you for actually caring, and paying attention. To those of you who have skipped the primaries of this entry and reserved your reading for the finals, thank you for at least trying. At least paying half attention.
I'll conclude this entry here.
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| freestylin wit Danilo |
[18 Jun 2005|12:12am] |
DifMast: yo, jack i, will whack your eye/say goodbye, cuz it's our time to shine/ay-yo, i get on my grind, and spit out the rhyming lines/and your timing dies/for real, this nigga is hard as steel, worth mils/cuz i'm a rhyming mill/i kill, you're crazy? yo, that bitch in kill bill don't phase me/
wanderinwolves13: yo, fuck the bitch in kill bill/ phase me?/ bitch cant even contain me/ frame me/ picture on the wall/ above em all/ tall/ as the highest skyscraper/ workin my ass off for not enough paper/ lyrics rap rhymes and verses/ niggas on street corners spittin 2 bit curses/ me i put bustas in hearses/ breakin laws like jaws/ shark rip your boat apart/ i dont care if u look the part/ you're a fake without heart
DifMast: ay-yo, i know you got more in you/what? i known you since '02/that ain't all you can do/now see what you make me do? i sound like a gay army commercial/don't make my rhymes get controversial?/i just told jermaine, that i don't rhyme for the fame/that i'll put lead in your brain then snatch up your dame/i am not polite, i don't rhyme white/i will take your life/wetcha, bite back atcha, next year i'll be your favorite rapper/step up, see if you don't get f'ed up/
wanderinwolves13: aight its time to step up/ even tho im a suburban white boy/ i just do this shit to toy/ i wasnt raised on the street/ i didnt have to fester in the heat/ i remember when shit was easy/ i was there when it was breezey/ freezey/ cold as ice/ i may be a white boy but i aint nice/ step to my friends and ull get cut down/ you'll be callin me king, ill be wearin a crown/ atop this big ol polish head/ step to me and nigga you'll end up dead
DifMast: yo, time to take it back/and remember when i couldn't see anything but black/so i thought i could put this on track/and this shit will sale faster than crack/cuz i rap like juelz/there's some shit i could sell/maybe someday i can be like my favorite rapper/and come back carrying stacks/yeah, i'm heading the same way, my friends already move the yay/i'm gonna start learning how to make a cookie from coke/cuz i'm broke as a joke/"fiends love a good cookie to smoke" is what i hear/so i drop this shit here/
wanderinwolves13: no fear/ you rap about sellin yay/ but ill be pure till my dying day/ living life youth crew style / kissin bitches who smoke is vile/ nile, river running through egypt/ egyptian bitches like that girl Jehan/ bitch was part of your master plan/ get your dick sucked in the tercel/ shit didn't go over so well/ thats because she wasnt white/ not the right height/ gotta learn to fight/ the exotic urges/ gotta swing into the purge/ing of preserving your blood/ knockin niggas out with a thud/ crud of the country world and planet/ im not racist but good god damn it/ pop pop/ clack clack bang boom bamboozled/ african niggas sayin shit that sounds like "foozled"/ fuck that click clack pop snap communication/ if you speak english stray the fuck out my nation
DifMast: that's not why i didn't hit that clit/that bitch seemed to be just like a whack chick/not my style, not even worth mention in my freestyle/i kick it simple, and pop gats like pimples/yo, i support your decisions, but if i turn out slinging crack with precision/that's just a dersion/cuz that ain't how i planned out my life/oh, sorry bout my semen on ya wife/it's jsut the way i kick it with my life/cuz i been ready to die/since the day i was born/now you can cop my shit on cd/so soon local niggas will know who i be/as an emcee, they call me gypsy/rap is always an alternative, to real niggas/who do it part time and squeeze the trigger fulltime/so the rhymes is an alternative/i rhyme in superlative/sometimes i get religious with the beat, and kick it back like a g and chi-chi on that blunt with my man, monty/
wanderinwolves13: put the blunt down/ no time to front now/ swing ya bat harder than u squeeze your gat/ we arent black we're italian/ u and i we both called 'stallion'/ u forget?/ shit boy ill ring ya neck/ nah fuck that boy shit we be men/ fuck the pen/ this shit comes from the back of dome/ soon enough my teeth be chrome/ eminem can eat my dick/ fuck that trick/ ass bitch who cant flow/ he dont know/ what its like to be able to let it fall/ from your mouth like water/ my mind doesnt hit a wall/ father father father tell me where it went/ the years we spent/ now you live in florida/ seen you once in the past year/ fear/ of it not happenin again soon/ family seperation almost left me with a crack spoon/ in the back room cookin up salvation/ we're an overweight addicted nation/ masturbation/ crack/ coccaine/ its just our claim to fame
DifMast: yo, i love em/he's a legend man/but w/e, you still my bro/and we're still gonna keep on this flow, forget the tough/and situations that never came/my memories so fucked up i can't remember anymore names/cuz when it comes down to it/love is a lie, so i'm waiting to just die/i wanna tie my dick like a tie/to stay away from trouble/i gotta shave my stubbles/i got a million things to say, i just gotta let my mind make way/and the flow gets magical/and murderous, to make shit tragical/i have a heart to commit crimes, to look you in the eye and say goodbye/and let the bullets fly/and it really doesn't matter to me when your brain splatters, b/yeah...because that's what my business be/whatever life is, long ago i realize that there ain't no place for somebody like me/because this is all a joke, no real consequences/to my violence/i've seen the worst and i hear only silence/so i remain violent, and i remain silent/when the cops come around/nobody heard about the homicide, nobody heard a sound/cuz i live by omerta, like original gs, did/who kept silent and watched their families bleed/because revenge is for the man, to take matters into his own hands/and everyday i contemplate how to best face a new day away from jail/and soon, like i said i'll be making those sales, maybe even have my own detail/on the streets, and still spit heat to beats, i could flow forever, and the more i flow the flow just gets better/but it's time to pass this back to my main man jack/
wanderinwolves13: fuck the dough/ fuck the flow/ fuck the hoe/ brothers till the end/ be there for my friends/ family made by choice/ standing together we gonna bring the noise/ fuck false faces that stab u in the back/ if i keep this shit up im gonna give someone a heart attack/ blastin beats in the summer heats/ eats/ spread across the table/ the type of shit u ear in a fable/ about some distant land/ man/ with a big old sword/ fightin his battles withour words/ war fought man to man/ none of that shit was planned/ no bombs over iraq or baghdad/ u went with what u had/ rome sicily sparta troy/ u started killing when u were a boy/ fuck the toy/ tricycle shit we raised on/ fuck the ice cream bon bon/ fuck the pussy ass carton sedation/ fuck the 13 year old masturbation/ segregation/ in the 1960s/ riot on the streets/ in the summer heats/ feats/ niggas jumpin fences like superman/ tryin to escape the long arm of "the man"/ cops all up on our shit/ bout to get nit-e-grit-e/ scrappin on the streets with the blue/ fools strapped up with riot gear/ no fear behind these eyes/ baseball bats can fly/ start this riot well/ watch the crowds swell/ few years up on stage/ you'll be turnin the page/ in rolling stone/ sucking on the end of some bone/ u rolled up tight/ knowing that from the start i was right/
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| Tyson vs McBride |
[12 Jun 2005|01:49am] |
so, McBride beat Mike Tyson. at the end of round 6, Mike Tyson threw in the towel from his corner. it was the saddest thing ever, they were talking to him and hes like "i dont love the sport anymore. i dont have the stomache for it, my heats not in the fight anymore. i dont wanna disrespect the sport by staying in it. im sorry i let people down, i just wish they could get their money back somehow." then he looked at McBride and was like "good luck with your career, best wishes". and for Mike Tyson, thats A LOT. he used to bite people and headbut people and tried to break this one guys arm, hreatened to kill almost everyone he fougt. and they were like "so are we gonna see u fight anymore?" and hes like "no. probably not"... and McBride was like "you're a legend thanks for the fight".... then as he was walking out (Tyson) people were booing and throwing shit at him. he got hit in the shoulder with a cup full of soda, it was so sad
Tyson retiring is a big part of my life going away, all of my life I've been watching him fight. Hes one of the best fighters of all time, all controversy aside hes a solid fighter. Amazing speed and power, incredible record. Was the youngest ever to hold the heavyweight title, at age 19. He retired in a respectable manor considering what he has done, or should i say comitted during his boxing career. None the less, he won the title in 1988, I was one year old. From the time I got into watching boxing around the age of 6 or 7, I've seen his fights, clips of his fights, title defenses, seen him in the news, seen him on trial, interviews. Mike Tyson is one of the reasons I originally started enjoying the sport in the first place, and now its over. Although a controversial career was a had, it was a solid one none the less. I hope all goes well for him from here on out, with his new religion he is really a changed man.
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| I am I and He is He |
[22 May 2005|10:41pm] |
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for those of you who do not know what the title means, its an old philosophy. I am I and He is He, I forget who it belonged to but none the less, it speaks of the idea of individuality. no matter the fact that we're all humans, our bodies all run on the same things, we all have our own traits. we're all individuals in our own way. Lately, for one reason or another I've been contemplating the ideas of I am I theory. Realizing that the flaws in the theory are that it is centuries old, things have changed. Few great philosophies actually stand the test of time, only certain ones can last throughout history still being able to be applied to aspects of culture at that time. IE: Plato, Aristotle etc. Flaws in the I am I theory are that society has corrupted it. With the media and influences upon our society and our youth theres really no such thing as individuality any more. Theres always preps, geeks, mods, goths, punks, emo kids, hardcore kids, artsy kids, poeticsm romantics and so on. The individualities we have created have become a fashion statement, a fad. Our minds are trained to format ourselves to specific situations or stereotypes given our certain social group, class, culture etc. We all like to think that we're individuals, and that theres something special about us but in a way there really isn't. Society has created an altered reality for us where being "normal" isn't necessarily the thing to do any more, we all need something that indentifies us as us. I'm sure all of you have heard the phrase "what is normal anyway?" I suppose to put it bluntly, normal would be lacking individuality, thats just where the lines get drawn. If we're all the same we can't be different, you can't make it happen. I am I says that you are you, no one else is the same. Society has corrupted us so that we're all becoming the same individual. I am I and He Is He no longer holds as steadfast, its becoming I am He and He is I. We have scenes now, we have clubs, cliques, ever since the existence of mankind we have stuck to people like us. If you took every person from your cultural or social group in the planet, you'd probably find plenty exactly like you. Humans are creatures of habit, we're pattern animals, we follow. Theres a need for acceptance and the ability to fit in, even if you're growing up in a high society community where everyone plays tennis and you decide to accept the gothic lifestyle... you're not an individual. You may not fit into that group and they'll probably see you as one, but at a black metal show would you be so different? Although I've said to many of you, everything in life is circumstancial. So I leave you with an idea to contemplate... is I am I correct based on the idea of circumstance? or does it really even matter?
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| misconceptions held on the lips of liars. |
[07 May 2005|01:31am] |
but i cant disobey my heart. no matter how much i think about how it wont go anywhere i cant beat the way my heart races when im with her. and the way her lips are touching mine, i cant help but lose myself into it, i cant help but drift deeper into a situation i know its going to hurt to pull myself out of.... but for what? for a bloodline born of alliance rather than birth? but for my loyatly lays so close to my heart, and he like my blood. but she? her eyes burn holes through me and i cant help but entertwine my fingers into hers. i cant help but draw my head close to hers until our lips touch, even if it wont continue until tomorrow its what is there today.
a little something i put together about a classic situation. for those of you who are going to assume things, don't. its not born of any of MY experience, just something i put together. thats all, a piece of writing for the sake of writing. do artists need a reason to paint a picture? or photographers a reason to take a photo? do musicians needs a reason to write a song? no one ever questions the nature of most artists, craftsmen, musicians... yet always the nature of the writer is contemplated. "where did this come from?" "why did he write this?". poems, songs, and literature... are nothing more than words placed in a certain order to convey a certain message, emotion, situation... the words above are places together to convey a classic situation, one we all know of, nothing more, nothing less. its a piece in its simplest form... reality.
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[02 May 2005|05:22pm] |
when the world ends. we will be there holding hands. as children scream and dreams die, its only going to be you and I.
remember when forever was real?
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| and they stood side by side... and neither knew who the other was |
[26 Apr 2005|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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thought it never mattered
id do it all again
the kiss was random
but lets just pretend
that it was all premeditated
and you wanted it as bad as me
lets pretend for 5 minutes i crossed your mind
and made you crack a smile
lets forget about the summer nights
the pretty clouds and street lights
lets forget about the rain and sound of the waves
lets drown out the details and remember the story
the story of a boy who loved a girl
a boy whod give her the world
and the way she turned her head
and the way she forgot how it had gone
lets pretend it was premeditated
and that you wanted it just as bad as me
heavens not a place that you go when you die its that moment in life when you ACTUALLY feel alive
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[22 Mar 2005|05:23pm] |
i think hope, salvation, and faith are all something we teach children so they wont grow up feeling like theyre lost, without anything to turn to. theres always hope, theres always that thought that itll be better if you just stick it out....
hopes just a phase we all grow out of eventually
i remember when it was all so easy, u remember those days?
whatever....
ps: i love you michelle.
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| im going to start typing... see where it goes |
[17 Mar 2005|09:52pm] |
i feel like i should lay a few things out there for you people, not necessarily to know me any better because i dont feel like alot of you necessarily need to. i dont like fake people, everyone says they dont like fake people but they really drive me insane. im not talking about "scene kids" either, im talking about real fake people. claim edge and break it. lie to further their veil over themselves. i hate pseudo intellectuals, i hate people who say they read and dont. i hate the "history buffs" that know fuck all about history. i want every single one of you whos ever said something about yourself to honestly sit back and see if its truth. and dont tell me u know who you are i dont feel most of us actually do. I'm addictive, not to drugs, not to sex, but i am. im addicted to music im addicted to friends im addicted to hugs, body warmth, the smell of certain things. i dont care who you are or what you do, you are addicted. to something, ANYTHING. we all have that spot we need to fill in some way, one way or another. and we all do it in some way, alcoholics do it with the by product of fermented wheat. drug addicts chose to sedate themselves with some consequence of ingesting some foreign chemical their body isnt used to taking in. im addicted to shows, im addicted to the way chapped lips feel when u lick the edge of them. im addicted to the way u can barely breathe when its 20* outside and u stick your head out the car window, im addicted to the way rain drops on my face in spring. im addicted to the way wet clothes stick to your body in a thunderstorm.
IM ADDICTED TO THE WAY LIGHT SPLASHES DOWN FROM A STREET LIGHT IN A WARPED CIRCLE SCATTERING ITSELF ACROSS CONCRETE AND POURING THROUGH GRATES DOWN INTO THE SEWER. IM ADDICTED TO THE MOON AND THE WAY IT BREAKS THE DARK BLOBS TREES LOOK LIKE AGAINST THE NIGHT SKY.
im sick of living a life where nothing seems real, nothing seems right. to those of you who are my REAL friends, i love you. and if you're one of them... you know it. you're well aware that id die at any given moment for u. you know id carry you through hell to come out laughing and smiling on the other side... a lil fucked up but still with my extended family there.
im starting to see things in alot of different ways... ways i'd always see people in movies seeing things.
if you've ever been in an art museum you've probably stared at one or more pieces and gone "wow i never saw it like that before" my eyes are starting to give me that... i see it that way.
i feel like my eyes might be getting worse everyday i wake up, i can't read the menu at a drive through when I'm in the back seat of the car.... its too blurry.
if i ultimately end up blind remind me never to forget the things ive seen remind me not to forget what water looks like as the river bulges its back to get itself over rocks. dont let me forget the way the river can splash parts of itself into mid air only to bring itself back down together and keep on going like nothings happened....
remind me not to forget what raindrops look like as they make that unforgettable tapping noise and commit mass suicide against the sidewalk in the summer...
above all remind me never to forget the way her eyes look.
right now I have glasses for distance but I think ultimately I'm going to need them for every aspect of seeing... it just seems like thats how its going to end up in the end.... but whatever....
im sick of typing this entry, i most likely have more to say but i dont feel like typing it anymore, whatever. if you're actually still reading this then you might actually care whats pumping through my head at any given moment, at any given time.
above all to thine own self be true
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| she said i love you and it sounded like a gunshot.... |
[15 Mar 2005|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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Boy Hits Car - The Rebirth |
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ive been thinking, too much. about everything. i realized yesterday ive been losing touch with people i care about for a while now. and i see people i thought i knew changing, people i thought i loved fading. dana called me and i hadnt talked to him in months.... and it hadnt even occurred to me. i got his number so we can all hang out again soon, like old times. my heart... my heart is distant... it isnt mine, it belongs to one of the most wonderful people ive ever met in my entire life. and she lives 13 hours away, im working on the $ to go see her... as well as various other things. i want a camera... a real one. not my digital, i want it to capture those moments you cant explain to people... the ones where u find your description of the situation ending with your head drooping your voice dropping and the words "i guess you had to be there" the world is beautiful, i think we chose to reject it... in most aspects. even the biting cold of winter has its beauties underlying in the fabric of what it is. let the wind chap your lips for a few minutes and take the time to watch the way the sun breaks through the ice on the trees before you rush yourself back inside where you wrap up in a blanket and forget abouyt everything. i miss alot, i hate alot... i hate the way things go. i hate the way things become, i hate the way things can be. i love alot, i love the way the sun feels in the morning, i love wind on the back of my neck, i love rain, i love the sound of leaves... i miss being able to spend endless time outside with just the world... taking it all in. i want to breathe in deep and never let it go, i want to take it all in stride and spit it back in the face of anyone whos ever told me who i am, who i can be, that something i wanted or did was stupid... its my life to lead. school... im looking into the GED thing, i cant take being in HS anymore and mom i think is beginning to agree with me after my doctor said itd be a good idea as well. I've been sick, for weeks... but its not keeping me from shows. I went to Comeback Kid with bronchitis, and im going to Dropkick Murphys tomorrow night with bronchitis. i wont let the weaknesses of my body hold me back, physical cant break down spiritual. i cant take much anymore, i over think, i over examine, i judge, i watch people for who they are... not what. i watch their eye movements in a conversation, i watch their handshakes, their patterns around other people... the way they are in a food court. i love nervous ticks now, i love insecurities on people... i love the faults and fractures in the flawless "human character" i love people with addictions, because their weakness is real. i love people with anxiety, its real. i find myself ever searching for some form of conversation now, one i can really get into, with anyone... anyone at all. a conversation thats real, not substituted with some pop-culture analysis of something no one really cares about but haunts every aspect of news, literature, magazine, music... all of that. fuck it all. ive been reading more about philosophy, becoming something i always watched in people. the kid whos always watching people... "that guy" sitting there watching people... analyzing who they are basing it on what. their shoulder movement when they go to shake someones hand, their head angle when listening to someone. im on a search for realism, real people, real beauty, the real world. i was in class today dreaming about this spring when im going to take naps under trees, live my life for me. i cant carry people anymore, i cant base what i do on peoples problems. i need a job so i can get my car and the money to escape, dont ask me what im escaping. im not running from anything, im not scared of anything... i just need something, anything. i dont know what i live for now, i live for reality? for what it really is? or is it my music? my writing? the floor at a show when people u dont even know become family? the way the sun dances on a leaf when the snow melts? the reflection of sun in a puddle? the rays as they burn your eyes in the morning? whatever it is im going to find it, im going to hold it close. and Michelle I'm going to get down to you somehow, someway. and itll be amazing. I'm not sure if anyones reading this, or even if you should be... why does it matter? why does it count? does any of this matter? is any of it even real anymore?
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| niggaz stay true to this game. |
[26 Feb 2005|06:07pm] |
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Cam'ron - Killa Cam
Killa kam
Killa kam
Killa kam
Killa killa
Killa kam
With the goons i spy
Stay in tune with ma
She like damn
This the realest since kumbaya
Kumbyay killa kam my lord
Still the man with pants
Scrill fam oh boy
They want neuter me
They want do to me
The hooligan in hoolahands
Maneuvering is nothin new to me
Doggy i'm from the land of crime
Pan pan gram or dime
Not toes or mc
When i say hammertime
Beef i'm hammer mine
When i get my hands on nines
If i had on bammerline
Cordourys kam will shine
Canary burgandy
I call it lemon red
Yellow diamonds in my ear
Call em lemonheads
Lemonhead end up dead
Ice like guinepeg
Gemstones flinstones
You could say i'm friends with fred
You want happy scrappy
I got pataki at me
Bitches say i'm tacky daddy
Range look like laffy taffy
Kill kam
Killa kam
Killa kam
Killa killa
Killa kam
I'm from where nicky barns got rich as fuck
Rich and nay hit the kitchen they were pitchin up
Rob base mase doug e fresh switched it up
I do both who am i to fuck tradition up
So i parked in a tow-away zone
Chrome i dont care
I'll call it throwaway homes
Welcome to harlem
Where you welcome to problems
Off a furlo fella fellas get parkings
Canabuy banks
Stand out like puty tanks
Soon as the studie sings
That when the tudy sing
Bang bang came from that movie rang
Snap crack jewelry bling
Flat jack who he bring
Clack clack cooley ring
Bad rap cuties claim
Ascap put em in the river
I'm the sushi king
And i'm keep it fresh
Let the fish eat ya flesh
Yes sir please confess
Just say he's the best
How dope is this
Teach you how to rope a chick
What you want
Coke or piff
I got it all smoke or sniff
And you know my drift
Used to figures doe and shit
You a roosted bitch
Just a roasted bitch
And i roast ya bitch
That how i usually am
Tell her and her groupie friends
Go get they gucci cleanse
We the moody gucci louie and pucci men
A skada prada
The chopper it got the uzi lens
Bird's eye view
The birds i knew
Flip birds
Birds gang
It was birds i flew
And word i flew
Or herb i grew
I would serve on stoops
Now it swerve in coupes
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| this was a rant to sam.... |
[17 Feb 2005|09:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
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| [ |
music |
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Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism |
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i want to go back to when shit was easy. 13 yrs old. your heart was so bold. u didnt know what it was to love, u thought u did but u didnt. u didnt know pain but ud be like "man that kills' i were ignorant, u wanted to break out into the world and touch everything feel everything taste everything. the world burned bright in your eyes and your lips hungered, they almost ached for one simple taste of that salty-sweet thing everyone talked about. love, life, passion, desire. u didnt know loss, u didnt know the weaknesses in human character. no one told u how much life sucked. no one told u that you'd be judged for being who you are. no one told you you'd get akward side glances on the street. no one told u people would take their childrens hands as they walked past u. and DEFINITELY no one told u about what its like to love and have that raped from u. no one told u what itd feel like when someones knuckles bashed into your jaw. no one ever told u what itd be like to have the world hold u down and spit in your face. it was always "you can be anything you want" not "if u want to get anywhere in this world u better be willing to sacrifice yourself, your family, your friends, and morals". i wanna go back to when it was easy, simple. i thought i knew everything but i was nothing more than a rain drop trying to stand out as i smashed into the ocean. i want to go back to when i thought i was so strong, and thought i was so cool and didnt realize life was pushing me down the same stream others had already been down. we thought we were so strong but we were sitting in the shallow end of a pool. now 5 years later youve tasted love, you've felt pain. you've experienced, lived, you've burned in the eyes of others. u recognize the addictiveness of human nature, the complexities. u can see it with your own eyes. and suddenly you're up to your neck in rapid water and you're clawing and scraping and scracthing and working your hardest to remain right where you are, or go back to some sort of fake ignorant bliss before it all bares down on u and you give in. and let yourself flow down that predisposed path america has put there for u.
think back to when you were 13, things have changed a little bit havent they?
it all just seems somewhat futile, i guess....
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| lyrics to more than heroes, i needed em so im savin em here |
[01 Feb 2005|09:40pm] |
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no this gone far enough, when mouths mouth fast, fists attack, walls my crash but we're not..we're not moving. these nights mean too much to let them fall without a fight, and now a times at hand where we must defend whats so clear, so right. its time to choose our sides.so who will rise to this call? who will empower the weak and catch the friends when they fall? its time to choose our sides. no back out. and if they want a war, theyll see war, theyll get a war tonight. theres power in our desperation, theres strength in a mind that does not rest, always ready always holding on. these times they are our tests and through hard work, dedication justice will come to pass. here tonight, everything changes tonight everything changes well lay siege to closed minds, tonight everything changes, tonight everything changes. these ties that bind will not be broken. well lay siege to closed minds and tightened fists. staying close to the truth we know, moving past whatevers in our way. this has gone far enough, this has gone far enough. when we can stand together in one mind, one heart, well see everything change everythihng will change. if we could stand together, when we can stand together, one mind, one heart, they will know, it will be clear, we are more, we are more than heroes
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| ....oh we love the way it falls apart |
[01 Feb 2005|05:32pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Terror - Overcome |
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wanderinwolves13: im not really scared anymore
wanderinwolves13: i dont worry about the way shits gonna turn out
fagatronica: I wish I was like that
wanderinwolves13: i take the bullshit in the face day by day
wanderinwolves13: and claw through it the best i can
wanderinwolves13: the only problem is, every piece of shit u push through takes some of u away
wanderinwolves13: some of what u have inside that makes u, u.
wanderinwolves13: till u feel like its not worth it to care anymore, not worth it to love, not worth it to worry
wanderinwolves13: i love the people i love, my family and my friends
wanderinwolves13: but falling in love again? scares the shit out of me.
wanderinwolves13: it seems dangerous.
wanderinwolves13: but, it doesnt worry me.
fagatronica: I wish I was like that...so much, heh. I'm like the complete oppostie
fagatronica: yeah...love's odd
wanderinwolves13: love sort of seems like playin russian roulette now
wanderinwolves13: you're taking chances, big ones.
fagatronica: yeah
fagatronica: it's tough :-\
wanderinwolves13: id love to date someone, be close to them, hold them kiss them, spend long nights with them when u could be out with ur friends.
wanderinwolves13: i wanna watch stupid movies and laugh real close to them
wanderinwolves13: i wanna be able to have them open up to me and cry if they have to, and i wanna be able to do the same.
fagatronica: yeah, i miss that about a relationship :-\
fagatronica: I miss having someone there for me
fagatronica: I don't even have friends that are really anymore :-\
wanderinwolves13: but when uve done it before, and got plaid for almost 2 years. and then had someone else u dated and fell completely in love with and then watched it all fall through your fingers like sand.... love doesnt seem worth it, but deep down inside u know it is. u know itll make u smile, but instead u live for the days when u can forget about shit for a few minutes
wanderinwolves13: u live for the days u drive around with ur friends till 2am singing songs at the top of ur lungs
wanderinwolves13: u live for the day u can walk into a room and meet that persons glance and see them smile when they see u. even if they wont be yours
wanderinwolves13: u live for the short phone conversations about absolutely nothing.
fagatronica: god...haha this is like exactly everything I feel lately
fagatronica: like...EXACTLY
wanderinwolves13: u live for that glimmer of hope u saw behind her eye the first time they met, and u chase that hope through hell, through heaven, youd suck on the barrel of a gun and let someone pull the trigger with hopes you'd survive if u thought afterwards u might smile truthfully.
wanderinwolves13: u live for any second u get to talk to someone who means something to you, or someone u think u might have a chance with, but its not being desperate, its just the way it is for u now.
fagatronica: yeah :-(
wanderinwolves13: its the way shit fell, and you're scraping amongst fire to try and pick up the pieces and try and put a dream back together
wanderinwolves13: because once u have the foundation of a dream, it can grow.
wanderinwolves13: but until u plant that seed.... you're on your own
thats a conversation i had with my friend about shit.... yea... shit.
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| first song for possible tough guy/ straight up band |
[29 Jan 2005|09:36pm] |
theres a shotgun presses against the head of our generation
the outcasts stand strong in the face of degredation
for not fitting into what society wants them to be
most of us were raised on unemployment checks
low incomes and truth and respect
family was all we had, no fancy toys
we had our friends, our family, and that was it
we see the breaks in what you've created
and we arent gonna be held down for being different
you persecute us because we're not what you want
we dont play football, or cheer, and we're not full fledged brains
we stand up for what we believe, what we've been taught
you created a group of people by surpressing our parents
theres a shotgun pressed against the head of our generation
and I'd let u pull the trigger to protect my name
my morals, my integrity
raised on honor, respect, loyalty and truth
im everything you said you love, but are scared to be
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| ive got a gun to your head, im asking "do you wanna live?" |
[29 Jan 2005|01:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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The Spill Canvas - Sunsets And Car Crashes |
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i wont be making it to death threat tomorrow, which is ok because theyre playing romans a week from today with death before dishonor, colin of arabia, and shere khan, and Keith and i will be going. in other aspects of life, school was cancelled all week so it gave my mind a rest, i explained to mom the shit that school puts me through and she essentially told me to suck it up. i got a new track jacket today, its red and black, yea....
a real character in this story of your now distant life....
went to dinner with juli and mom at Ember, place is expensive as all hell, but the food was actually pretty damned good. was supposed to chill with keith and visit justine at work and do the normal friday night driving around causing chaos type of shit, but his car was busted.
i have a friend going through a pretty hard time right now, and it really sucks because I've been there and understand the situation all too well, but can't help them. I'd pretty much doing anything to see a smile grace those lips, but I can't seem to get it to work, and being there before it just makes it harder. i remember what was going through my mind, and try and explain it but.... can't. I guess some things you experience are complex like that, you can remember every aspect of it, every night, every tear, but you can't get it to roll off your tongue in the right way.
under the bridge we'd kiss like school yard crushes.....
Febuary 4th: Death Threat
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| wrote this earlier |
[23 Jan 2005|12:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
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if you dont understand the real meaning / philosophy behind the whole thing, i can try and explain it to you.... just ask me...
there were sirens at war with the night time
they pierced the sweet silence
they flashed their lights up at the stars
the stars shot down overwhelming glances
to try and dull the brutality
the wind ears bled at the sharp noises
the sirens wailed, like dying children
they raped the darkness relentlessly
the night began to wheep
and stars fell from their places
caught by eyes of hopefuls
wishes were made in their honor
"look baby a shooting star, make a wish!"
miles away sirens raped the starlight
they wavered back and forth in a blood struggle
4 puncture wounds in the chest of a husband
the sky began to cry and stars fell from their place
"i never want this moment to end"
as he grasped her hand sweetly and kissed her cheek
children were crying, their father wasnt coming home
the sirens wailed like dying children
and they raped the darkness
"i love you baby"
"mommy is he gonna be ok?"
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